Accepting Love, Despite Your Disbelief and Discomfort

All I ever wanted was To Love and Be Loved.

Did I ever think that I could have it?

Yes, privately. Somewhere in the depths of my soul.

But there was always doubt.

Did I think I deserved it?

Great question.

No. I mean kinda. It was always such an internal battle.

But of course, YES! (but am I dreaming/fantasizing or can something like this be real?)

Not that I thought it wasn’t possible.

It’s just that life never afforded me the opportunity.

What I wanted to be love always turned out to be something else.

Somewhere deep inside I didn’t think that love was really available to me.

I felt that love meant that I had to compromise myself uncomfortably for others.

To be lovable on their terms… Not mine.

Somewhere in the depths of my soul I never truly believed that I could fully connect with another human being.

Not in the way that my soul wanted.

Not in the way my heart expected.

Not in the way my mind thought was possible.

Throughout life I suffered through too many negative intimate experiences to believe that the love I wanted for myself was even available.

I doubted and discounted my belief in love.

Therefore I doubted and discounted my belief in myself.

Depsite it all, I kept faith.

Then it happened.

Recently, I was offered and gleefully accepted true love into my life.

Then the disbelief and discomfort set in.

I have never been in a truly healthy and thoughtful intimate relationship.

That gave me pause.

To truly and meaningfully engage in the way my heart desires means that I have a lot of learning in front of me.

What does it mean to love someone completely and without attachment or expectation?

What does it mean to allow myself to be loved, truly and completely and without attachment or expectation?

Woah! This is new territory for me.

Am I up to the challenge?

Can I live up to my own standards or concepts of love without being a hypocrite?

Can I truly love myself first in the context of a healthy intimate partnership?

Can I truly love them in the context of their own needs and desires of a healthy intimate partnership?

This is the challenge of a lifetime,

I’m up for it.

Okay universe, bring on the discomfort and disbelief.

I accept the challenge of LOVE!