I’m sitting at my laptop cruising 80’s and early 90’s alternative and indie tunes that take me back to more innocent times. Times when I had certainty that I was going to “make it” in life and have everything figured out before I was 30. I never had the details worked out beyond college but I did have a broad vision and deep feeling that I’d get “there”.
I had the fortune of growing up as part of the gloriously reckless but street-wise Generation X. We lived in relatively peaceful times. Technology was developing under our fingertips and we were raised on it. The middle class seemed bigger and more economically ‘middle’. Kids had personal freedom. College was affordable. Rent was affordable. Women were finally getting equal standing. A wide spectrum of jobs were available. San Francisco was still quirky, interesting and fun.
I felt truly limitless.
So I went about my life and did all the things I set out to do. I met my goals and I was having fun. I had nowhere to go but up… and this is exactly how the trouble started.
I was good at setting and achieving goals. However, each time I reached a goal I would find that it was a false summit. No matter what I achieved I’d look around and think “Is this it?” It never looked or felt like I thought it would. Where was the promised blissful existence that TV and movies guaranteed if you worked hard and did all the right things? If I did everything I was supposed to then why was I not “there” yet?
The hardest lesson in life I have ever learned is that there is no material or physical “there”. The “there” we are all searching for is actually inside us.
Sadly, even with this incredible knowledge and insight, I often still have times when I feel like I am not “there” yet.
Apparently, that little brat of an ego running around in my mind is never satisfied. It’s one overbearing, unhappy little snot who is determined to trip me up every time I hit my stride.
My insecurities really like nostalgic moments too. They’re perfect for bringing up old hopes and visions and can instantly catalyze a moment of feeling warm and fuzzy into an instant shock of “Oh my god, what have I done with my life?”
The egoic mind doesn’t want you to blissfully peace-out. It wants you to freak out and run around like a maniac. It wants to punch you in the gut and then while you’re doubled over it’ll kick you right in the butt.
Despite the fact that I know I have a good life, amazing relationships, and many moments of personal success and joy to reflect upon, insecurity and doubt know how to weasel their way into my mind and make me dissatisfied and striving for more.
My mind does this through fear. When you’re finally old enough to stop fearing the boogeyman the egoic mind creates a new fear.
The fear of not being good enough.
Have you ever met someone who is an overachiever? Someone who seems to have life totally handled? Someone who you might even look up to based on superficial expressions of success?
I would bet that that person you admire is trying to get to a “there” too, where they hope that they will finally be good enough, for themselves.
The Anxiety and Skin Connection
Numerous clinical studies dating back to the 1930’s have demonstrated that there is a direct connection between anxiety and skin conditions.
There are also numerous recent studies that have linked anxiety with autoimmune disorders. When I recently went to a presentation on immune system imbalances the doctor suggested that autoimmune issues might be founded, specifically, in feelings of self-victimization.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, always striving for higher levels of personal success has occasionally left me feeling stuck and sometimes even anxiously impatient or filled with self-pity.
The frustration of feeling that you’re not “there” can trigger feelings of not being good enough. Isn’t feeling “not good enough” precisely a result of believing your own thoughts and beliefs? Yes. Self-victimization is all about you judging you. Say it out loud, “It’s me judging me that’s causing the anxiety”.
Aha! Confirmation of what I have surmised from my own experiences and self introspection. Validation!!
Worrying about success and constantly striving for more has made many of us anxious, which is making us sick. I strongly believe that thoughts and emotions are the root of autoimmune troubles.
When feelings of failure and being trapped or stuck in failure were acute, I would have some kind of autoimmune issue.
Knowing is half the battle, and as you can see I am aware of my thoughts and how they work against me. That same nasty little egoic mind chatter that creates self-criticism, anxiety and the ensuing autoimmune responses is the same animal that has pushed me to get where I am today.
That endless pursuit of doing more and better to get me “there” has kept me fit, materially comfortable, motivated and generously compelled to help make myself and the world a better place. So the ego is not all bad, it just needs to be kept in check.
The trick is to continue to chip away at those worries and fears by taking the time to stop and objectively look at my life, and embrace where I’m at. I do this through the practice self-awareness and gratitude.
When negative thoughts enter my mind I acknowledged them for what they are then brush them off. I also take the time to acknowledge my body for being healthy and strong. I also remember to give gratitude to all aspects of my physical life for the beauty, joy and comfort that I have been afforded.
When I take the time to express gratitude I get that deep feeling of satisfaction that I have been chasing my whole life. Gratitude enables me realize that I’m already “there”.
Photo by alexander milo on Unsplash
